If I Sign It "With Love," Do I Have To Mean It? By Sammi M."You want us to do what?"
Chief Warren smiled at Simon Banks and wondered briefly if there was something wrong with him for enjoying this so much. "All the stores selling your calendar have reported record sales and several of them are on second and *third* shipments. You guys are a hit!"
"Yeah, yeah, thanks, but what were you saying about the other thing?"
"Oh, you mean about the signing? Well, the stores were clamouring for something to appease the masses and the idea of a calendar signing just popped into my head."
Simon gave the man his best "like hell" look and started shaking his head. "Don't you think you've taken this whole revenge thing far enough? I mean, it was only one little date. Haven't you made us suffer enough?"
Warren snorted as he shot the other man a look. "She was a dominatrix, Banks."
"Ex-dominatrix, Sir. She hadn't been involved in that scene for six seven months at the least." He shrugged. "There was no way of knowing you'd accidentally use the name of her persona and she'd think you wanted a wilder walk. It was all just a big misunderstanding."
"A misunderstanding that saw me in the emergency room after several of my uniforms had to extract me from one of her little playthings. Do you have any idea how painful the paperwork was on this?"
"I'd say as painful as eye patches, sling-shots, silk boxers, bike shorts, g-strings and sexually depraved grandmothers."
Warren gifted him with an evil grin. "Obviously, not painful enough."
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%This was starting to get old. The whole group was assembled again in the conference room with various expressions at what their captain had just told them.
"That's all? He just wants us to sign a few calendars?"
"That's what he said. A simple calendar signing next Wednesday at Harman's."
"Isn't that the new mega-bookstore over on Grant? That place is like huge and they're always having celebrities visit and sign their newest products." Blair started to bounce in his seat. "This could be so cool!"
"Yeah, I'm sure, Chief, but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Warren hasn't made any of this easy on us, so why should this be any different? The man has obviously planned every step of this and I just want us to be on the lookout for anything."
"Jim, has anyone told you that you're paranoid?"
"Yeah, the people who watch me all the time, Darwin." He eyed his roommate. "A very wise man once said that just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not really out to get you."
Megan cocked an eye his way, "Oh, now that's rich. Didn't know you were a Mulder fan, Ellison."
Schuy snorted. "More like a Scully fan, but he does pick up on a good one-liner in between admiring her in those improbable heels."
"Hey! I take offence to that statement." Pouting. "They're not improbable; she has to wear *something* to get her chin-level at least. Besides, she can still kick enough butt in them to make regulation."
Simon, being the voice of reason in the group, - and secretly believing the best female FBI Agent on TV was Samantha Waters decided it was time to move forward. "Getting back to the subject at hand, I need to know if we're all in agreement on this? For this to work, we all have to say yes. He promises it will be the last and the easiest. Whadya say?"
One by one they reluctantly agreed until all eyes turned to the lone standout. Henry felt it was his duty to help convince his partner to join them. "Come on, man. It's a simple calendar signing. There's nothing to worry about."
Rafe pouted and Jim noted Megan's and Schuy's hearts doing their own version of the 1812 Overture. "I'll do it but only if you guys promise to pull some protective duty for me."
"Why? You got a case coming up?"
"No, worse. Guess who's 87-year old grandmother is still after me? She keeps sending me these photos that," he shuddered, " that no grandmother should be posing for."
%%%%%%%%%%%%%The day had dawned beautifully and all eight of the picture-perfect crowd had arrived pretty much on time. They were all amazed when they were directed to enter through the private entrance in the back because of the number of fans camped out in the front. Literally camped out!
As usual, Blair was bouncing all over the place and Jim and Joel were trying to hold on to Simon so he wouldn't pulverise the little ball of sunshine. "Man, did you see that crowd? It's still an hour before opening and it is packed! They've even got cops monitoring things so they don't get out of hand. Is this terrific or what?"
The Barbie twins, as the guys had affectionately dubbed Schuyler and Megan not by looks, but by inseparability, joined the bouncing anthropologist (Which would be a great opening line for a bawdy limerick). Megan placed her right hand on the shorter man's head and pressed down, effectively cutting down on fifty percent of the bounce. "Please, Sandy, could we cut down on the exuberance this morning? Schuy and I did a marathon Brit Comedy Flicks last night and you're making the room spin in all directions."
"Not to mention his vest is about to make me sick. Goodness, H.B.! The same mother raised us at relatively the same time. How could she have gone so wrong in her 'matching colours' talks? I mean, granted she's a firm believer in freedom of expression, but even I don't think she'd 'hear that' monstrosity."
"Oooh, someone's in a pissy mood." The elder Sandburg winked. "Who rained on your Cornflakes this morning, Snip?"
"You try staying up all night appeasing your best friend's need for British humour and then trying to function on two hours of sleep half of which you spent trying to drown out the snores of said friend and see how friggin' cheerful you are!"
"I don't snore!"
"Sorry. You're right; it can best be described as the sounds of train derailment or moose mating."
As the ladies started their heated "discussion," Blair wisely slipped away from them and towards the men-folk who were casually distancing themselves from the banshees. "That is *so* not a talk I want to be in the middle of."
"What, Sandburg? Not so confident of your ability to 'bounce' with the punches they'll probably be throwing."
"No, more like not wanting to be in the line of fire when the Chief wanders why those close by his two favourite ladies didn't stop bloodshed. I don't have to tell you how vindictive he can be."
Five pairs of eyes shot open at that statement and five bodies quickly moved to separate the soon-to-be combatants. With three holding Megan and two barely controlling the Spitfire Previously Known as Schuyler, the groups headed for opposite corners and plied their charges with doughnuts and caffeine. By the time the bookstore personnel were preparing to open the doors to the clamouring masses, the Twins were back to their friendly and joking selves and even opted to sit beside each other at the far table.
Henry, Rafe and Taggert shared the middle table and Jim, Blair and Simon took the one furthest from the door which caused the floor cops to breathe their own sighs of relief because after seeing the calendar, they knew that was going to be the table with the most traffic and for fire codes they couldn't have the exits blocked.
At five to nine, Chief Warren moved to stand before his little group and beamed at them. "You don't know how much it pleases me to see all of you here. I know the last few months have been rather disconcerting, but I can assure you that after today, our debt will be fully paid." He nodded his head at each one. "If all goes as planned today, you'll be touching the lives of thousands of men and women in a lot more visible way than your police work. So, raise your heads Major Crimes and I'll see you again later when you get ready to change."
As the man quickly moved between the stacks of books and other bookstore-ish things, Blair resumed his bouncing and called out to the second table, "Did you hear that guys? I think we're going to be famous!"
Simon noticed his best detective's sick look and nudged the smaller man, "Why the look, Ellison? You heard him; our debt will be paid after this little stint. We'll be free and clear after today."
"I know, Sir, but what exactly did he mean by seeing us later when we change? And, why am I suddenly so afraid?"
%%%%%%%%%%%%The doors had barely been unlocked before a flood of people pushed their way inside and started heading towards the various tables with enough noise to deafen a heavy-metal drummer. Luckily, Blair had warned his two enhanced comrades to dial things down before the onslaught.
The lines followed pretty much the expectations with few exceptions: the guys hit Megan and Schuy's table, the older crowd set up stakes at the middle table and the younger group planted themselves at the "Hot Spot" as the Banks-Ellison-Sandburg table had been dubbed by the heavy-breathers.
The first lady up greeted the guys with a huge smile, her carefully preserved calendar and a sleeping bag. Blair, always the gentleman, spoke first. "Hello, I'm Blair. Welcome to our own spot of signature heaven. Judging by your bedding, I'd say you've been waiting for a while."
"Two days!" The excited woman yelled with a slight accent. "As soon as they put up the barricade, I was there and look at where I am now!"
Jim chuckled as he shook his head, "You mean to tell me you slept out in front of the store for the last two days? What did you do about food and and potty breaks?"
"Unlimited credit, excellent delivery and a wonderful, understanding husband who didn't mind sitting in when I had to go."
Simon beamed at the woman, "The man sounds like a saint. Well, they always say perseverance pays off." Grabbing his marker. "So, who should we make this out to?"
If possible, her smile got even bigger. "Chachi." She watched every stroke of the guys' markers as they signed their respective months and Jim feared her heart would burst right out of her chest when Blair took her hand and kissed it when he returned her calendar. She sighed and he wondered if the husband was going to be just as understanding when she got home and refused to wash that hand. "Can I just say that I think what you guys are doing is so wonderful and from the deepest part of my heart, I want to say thank you and I love you."
The guys smiled and nodded as she was directed towards the other table. The captain scratched behind his ear and turned semi-frightened eyes on his detective. In his best whisper, he commented, "Oh, boy. What have we gotten ourselves mixed up in now?"
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%Megan and Schuy had watched the guy debate on which picture to have the ladies sign for five minutes and they could tell the natives behind him were getting restless. "Um, Sir, might I suggest you just pick one before your fellow patrons decide to skewer you alive?"
The man looked up with total shock, "But I just can't pick one like that. What if I choose the less conventional one and I do something stupid and that one's lost forever or I stick with the tried and true and then wonder forever about what might have been? Then there's also how I'll feel during those months that don't have your signature as opposed to those that do. I mean, what if I'm depressed during the one you signed? How much worse will I feel during the ones you didn't? This isn't fair; how could I be expected to make a choice?"
Schuy cocked an eyebrow and motioned to one of the floor cops. "They're just pictures; it's not like your life depends on it unless, of course, the little voices tell you differently." Once the cop was there, she lifted her marker. "Here, why don't we just sign all the ones we're on and that way your mind won't have to be concerned with any more of this. I think you have other things more important things - to be worried about." She gave him a apprehensive smile. "Umm, what's your name?"
"Christian."
Megan watched as her friend quickly signed all of her pics and, as soon as the calendar was in front of her, did the same. "There you go, Christian. I hope you enjoy and might I suggest a little vacation at a place with *secure* in-patient facilities?"
As the man happily waved to them as he was ushered away, neither woman could help the relieved sighs that escaped them.
"That was certainly interesting."
"To say the least. Hopefully, the local hospitals won't be issuing any more day passes for this event."
"Hopefully." Megan turned to watch the others as Schuy signed. "I wonder if the guys are having quite as much fun?"
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%Rafe gasped as the little hand waved at him. "Oh god!"
"What is it?" Joel asked.
"She's here."
"Who's here, Partner?"
"HER!"
Henry scanned the crowd until he saw a familiar face and returned her wave. "Oh, you mean Raoul's grandmother. I think it's sweet that she came all the way from the home to get you to sign her calendar. You should be grateful she likes you that much."
Rafe glared at the other man, "That's easy for you to say. She hasn't been sending you dirty email or catalogues from Frederick's of Hollywood the 50+ edition."
Joel laughed as he signed another of his pictures for a lady who was enjoying the younger detective's discomfiture. "I didn't even know they had a catalogue like that."
"Trust me. Ignorance is bliss. I've seen things oh, have I seen things!"
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%"Oh, he's a cutie, Sallye. How old is he?"
The small woman smiled and kissed the baby's head. "He'll be nine months in two weeks, but he's very advanced for his age. He's very inquisitive and just loves to get into things."
Jim cuffed his younger friend on the head. "Sounds like someone else I know."
"After I bought my calendar, we did nickname him Blair."
The anthropologist was stunned. "Really? That is like so cool!"
"He took to it like a natural"
"So, why'd you guys start calling him that? Was it because of my bio on the back that told about my accomplishments and hopes for the future?"
"Nope."
"Was it cause you liked my words of wisdom?"
"Uh uh."
"Oh, I know. It's because you wanted him to have a positive role model to aspire to."
Sallye gathered up her grandson and her calendar and smiled. "Hate to disappoint ya, but that's not it either."
"Then what was it?"
She turned to leave. "You both just looked so cute in a diaper."
Blair slowly sunk into his chair as far he could without falling as Simon and Jim lost all control.
%%%%%%%%%%%%"Hello, Detective Rafe."
"Hello, Mrs. Terraverria."
"No. No. No."
"Sorry, Esmerelda."
"That's better." She looked him up and down or as much as she could with most of his body being obscured by the table. "I'm sorry to just pop up, but I couldn't resist when I heard you were going to be here."
"I'm sure you couldn't." Being polite. "So, um, how's Raoul?"
"Oh, he's fine. Just fine. Just like you. Fine." She pouted. "But he really does miss you and all your friends. He wanted me to extend the invitation for you and your buddies to come visit him again soon. He says the place just hasn't been the same without you."
Rafe started sweating. "Tell him we appreciate the offer, but we've got a lot of uh work waiting for us uh big big cases. Yeah, that's it. Lots and lots of big BIG cases." Glancing behind her. "Anyway, here's your calendar. You might want to hurry on along; there's a really long line behind you."
"Oh, don't worry about them, Dear. Most of them are my wonderful friends from the home who just couldn't wait to see the young man, in person, that I rave about all the time."
The young detective's shock quickly turned to fear as fifteen or so grandmothers smiled at him and licked their lips.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%It looked like an entire class had descended on the three tables. None of the people waiting for autographs looked to be over the age of sixteen and Jim could only shake his head at the round of giggles surrounding him.
As a freckle-faced girl stepped up to the table and shyly handed over her calendar, he finally managed to dial down his hearing a tad more. "I hope you don't take offence but you look a lot better in person."
The detective gave her his best smile, "Why thank you." He winked at her. "So, who should I make this out to?"
"Lesley."
"Oh, that's a nice name." He wrote a nice little comment and signed his name with a nice little flourish. "Here you go, Lesley."
"Oh, this isn't for me. It's for my mom. She really gets a kick when you old guys do stuff like this."
Jim glared at his two companions as they cracked up and Blair quickly turned his attentions to the girl in front of him to avoid the "Ellison Eyes". "So, are you guys all together?"
"Yeppers. We're all in the same English class."
"I see. You didn't cut class to come here did you?"
"Nah, our teacher brought us here for a field trip."
"Oh, to see the historical landmarks in this area."
"Only if the historical landmarks are you guys' butts. She's been really into you since this thing came out."
Blair was flabbergasted. "Um, which one is your teacher?"
The girl turned around, scanned the crowd for a few seconds and pointed. "The lady in the shades and big hat cowering behind the football player. I think she's scared someone will recognise her."
The observer motioned for one of the workers next to the lady to bring her up to him. "Well, that's understandable. I'm sure she wouldn't want to be accused of leading you guys astray."
"*This* is not astray; this is like a Sunday school picnic. Astray would be funding us for a Bone thugs-n-harmony concert." She rolled her eyes. "Not the best analogy, but I just thought you'd like to know where you rank." She saluted. "Toodles."
"Yeah, uh toodles." As he watched the girl leave, the worker escorted her teacher up front much to the vocal dismay of the other patrons. "Hi. I hope you don't mind my dragging you up here, but something your student said kind of intrigued me."
"Oh," she replied shakily. "What exactly did she say?"
"That this was a field trip for school and I was wondering how you managed that, um Ms. er "
"Katie. *Please* call me Katie." The shyness dropped away. "Well, it's simple really. I just labelled this as a creative writing exercise based off a people-watching excursion. My superiors were excited because writing is the new flash-word and the students loved the idea because it got them off campus and "
"You thought it was great because you liked our butts."
Deer caught in headlights. "She um told you that, did she?" Nervous laughter erupted from her. "Imagine that." Glaring at the back of her student's head. "That'll be the last time I share any of *my* poetry with them to get *them* to open up." Embarrassed. "I knew I should have followed my counsellor's advice and become a lawyer."
Blair barely had enough time to sign the calendar before it and its owner were rushing away from the table.
"I do have to admit, Sandburg. You sure do have a way with people," Simon grinned as he signed the last of the student's calendars. "Poor woman's probably mortified. She's probably hiding out back at the bus afraid "
A bright flash stopped him in mid-sentence and caused a small cry of pain from Jim. Katie stood off to the side with a camera in her hand and an apologetic smile. "Sorry about that. I didn't know it would flash so bright. I had forgotten to bring my camera and I couldn't leave without one picture and they were selling these vacation ones and so I went and bought it. Since you didn't seem to mind about the comment about the butt thing, I thought you wouldn't mind one little picture. Anyway, thanks. Bye!"
"Poor woman, huh? Mortified! Probably hiding at the bus!" Glaring at the older man. "Jim's probably blind for life now. Anything else you want to use those great deductive skills on?"
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%"And what's your name?" Jim asked as the woman placed her calendar in front of him.
"Kaytee. But, it's not spelled the way you think. It's the name Kay and then the word tee like in golf tee."
"O-o-okay. Um, you sure you want this um signed? I'm not sure it can handle anything *more* being done to it."
"Sorry." Trying to smooth all of the wrinkles and turned-up edges out of it. "I kind of sleep rough."
"You sleep with it?"
The woman nodded happily.
Jim could only shake his head as he signed his picture. "Well, I suppose whatever makes you happy." He shrugged as he handed the tattered item back to its owner. "It could be worse; you could shower with it."
Before he could say anything else, Kaytee whipped a large Baggie from her purse and beamed at him.
The stunned detective did the only thing he could. He politely yelled, "Next!"
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%After the last few people Jim and Blair'd had to face, Simon considered himself lucky. Most of his had been pretty normal and he'd even gotten a couple of phone numbers out of this. As he watched his squad work and listened to some of things they were discussing, he realised things could have been a lot worse for him and he thanked whatever deities were watching out for him.
With these happy thoughts filling his head, he looked up and up and up at his next patron. It took everything in him not to stare. The woman was huge massively huge! So huge she could bench-press Simon without breaking a sweat! "Uh, hello and welcome."
The deepest voice ever given to mankind returned the greeting with a slight southern drawl. "Hi yourself, Hot Stuff. You just don't know how long I've been waiting to meet *you* ."
Simon tried to hide the gulp of fear racing through him, but judging by the way the patron's eyes followed the tiny movement, he was pretty sure it didn't work. "Uh huh. Well, uh "
The patron bent over the table, giving the nervous man an excellent view of cleavage and an Adam's Apple! - and ran one long red fingernail down Banks' face. "As soon as I saw that picture for June, I knew it had been made with me in mind. Those eyes, those lips, that 'come to me look' all screamed my name and I just *had* to come here and tell you I heard it! So, whadya say? Shall we blow this joint and go make our own pictures?"
An accented voice of another type drifted from behind the cornered man. "Sorry, but he has other plans." Megan moved up behind her captain and put her arms around his neck snuggling against his face and displacing the other's hand. "You promised me lunch and then a little dinner and dancing later. You're not going to go back on that, are you darling?"
Simon noticed how the "woman" seemed to back up like she'd been burned when the Inspector showed up and being the intelligent man he was and well deserving of his pay, decided to grab the chance before him. "Not a chance, sweetheart. You know I can't deny you anything." Turning his smiling face away from his borrowed officer, he picked up his marker ready to sign. "Now, Miss um who do you want this made out to?"
With a growl and a look of pure hatred, she snatched the calendar off the table. "Never mind. I think I'll try my luck with the leprechaun!"
They watched her flounce off. "Ooh, that's gonna be nasty. Rhonda showed up about thirty minutes ago looking mighty territorial."
"I wouldn't worry about it; Rhonda's a black-belt."
"Oh, I wasn't worried about her. I was concerned about how many innocent bystanders would be taken out during the confrontation."
The big man laughed. "I'm sure all the cops here will be able to handle things." He tipped an imaginary hat and drawled. "I shore do appreciate what you did for me, ma'am. You mighta just saved my hide more than I can say. I owe you big for this."
Megan joined in the laughter. "Just promise me you won't ever use that godawful drawl again!"
"It wasn't that bad, was it?"
Everyone around them chorused, "Yes!"
Sheepishly, "Message received and noted, people. You can go back to your lives. There's nothing to see here." Returning to the Inspector. "But, seriously, thank you. I really do owe you one."
"Seriously?"
"Seriously."
All playfulness left her face and the predatory look that Simon remembered from the station when they first received their calendars returned. "Okay. My place. Tomorrow night."
"A-a-anything else?"
"A bottle of wine, you and those black, silk boxers."
While Megan headed back to her seat, Jim placed his hand on his superior's shoulder as if commiserating with him. "Sir," shaking his head. "I think I would have taken my chances with the other one."
%%%%%%%%%%%%%Two dozen roses were placed on the middle table and Taggert whistled. "Looks like somebody's got an admirer." He winked at H. "Ten to one they're for Rafe."
Said detective refused to even look at them. "Someone above must really hate me. Why'd it have to be my day his grandmother was visiting?"
"Oh, stop whining. It's not like it's the end of the world. So you have this old lady chasing after you look at it as a positive that *somebody* likes you." Henry rolled his eyes as he reached for the card. "Just be thankful she has good taste." He read the card. "Hello!" His head started whipping around scanning the crowd until his eyes alighted on a single figure waving at him near the coffeehouse attached to the bookstore. "Oh, my."
Joel's eyes almost popped out of his head when he saw who his friend was looking at. "Who is that gorgeous goddess in the flesh?"
"I don't know, but, according to her card and the flowers, she's the future mother of my children." Looking at his watch. "When's lunch cause I have a date with my destiny?"
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%"My hands are starting to naturally curl this way. What time's lunch?" Schuy asked as she signed the last calendar in her line.
"By the schedule, in about ten minutes, but, since no one's waiting for us, I'd say we're through."
"Thank goodness. I swear, if I had to hear one more guy beg to take me home to his mother, I was going to scream." Looking down at the piles of paper in front of her. "Do you realise I received twenty-three proposals of marriage, eighty-nine date requests, fourteen requests to have their baby, seven offers to paint me and one plea to have a sex tryst from the Mayor in a little over three-and-a-half hours?"
"Slow morning, huh?"
Schuy laughed at her friend. "Yeah, right. So, how'd you do?"
"About the same, but I accepted three of my date requests."
"You're kidding?"
"Nope. One was from that guy who came in with his chauffeur, the other was the skier and the third was from Simon."
"Simon!" Pointing down the way. "Our Simon? Big Captain Banks?"
"The one and only. I saved that wonderful butt from a fate worse than death and he in return offered me his time for one evening to show his undying gratitude."
"Didn't give him much choice in the matter, huh?"
"You better believe it. My mother raised an Australian child, not a stupid one."
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%Jim smiled up at the two ladies who wouldn't stop giggling at the three men before them. "Is there something wrong, ladies?"
"Umm, no we just can't get these images out of our head."
"Great Jehosphat, you can say that again! Teach me to stay up to all hours reading stuff."
"No, what got me was seeing all three of them at the same table. My life is now complete."
"You guys have lost me."
"Trust us, you're better off not knowing."
Once Simon and Blair finished signing the ladies' calendars, Jim gifted them with a questionable smile and returned them. "Well, I'll take your word for it. Thanks for stopping by," reading their calendars, " Jean and Dameron. We really do appreciate it."
"Oh, the appreciation is *all* ours. Take care."
As the ladies walked off, Jim decided to do a little eavesdropping just because he could. Without Sandburg's help filtering out all of the various sounds, he could just barely make out, "threesome relationship", "exotic dancer", "Las Vegas" and "shaving." Right before they left the building, he was able to pick up who they were talking about and he blushed right down to his b boxers. *Where would they get an idea like that? We're the best of friends and nothing like that has ever crossed our minds.* He took a long look at both of his comrades and cocked an eyebrow. *But, now that they mention it I could see * He shook himself. *Nah. Wrong list. Never mind.*
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%The people still waiting to reach the "Hot Spot" were not too thrilled when lunch was called, but they soon settled when they were promised first chance after the meal.
The guys and gals had been ushered into a huge back room with a table laden with food. The owner of the store waited for them to take their seats before he started his spiel. "I just wanted to thank you again for volunteering to do this. We've more than made up the money we donated to charity for the calendars with ticket sales alone. The Major Crimes division should be proud of its efforts and it should know that it has truly done a great thing today."
He waited a few minutes for the applause from the various other people in the room to settle down. "Now, I am pleased to make a very special acknowledgement." A medium-height woman with shoulder-length brownish-black hair joined him in the middle of the room. "Captain Banks, could you and Det. Ellison and Mr. Sandburg please join us?" The three did with curious looks at each other. "I'd like to introduce you to Celina. Our staff singled her out because she purchased 250 calendars! They felt that much sacrifice for charity deserved something special and what's more special than lunch with you guys."
Blair literally vibrated with excitement. "Wow. 250 calendars! Your friends must really love you."
Celina directed confused eyes toward the man. "What friends?"
"Well, I just assumed since you bought so many, you were purchasing the extras for your friends who couldn't."
The young woman snickered and patted the puzzled observer on the arm. "If that's what you want to believe, whatever." Turning back to the other two. "So, tell me about police work. I've always been fascinated by cops. Well, except when they stop me for speeding not that I do a lot of it mind you. Anyway, have you been cops for long? Did you wear your guns? Can "
%%%%%%%%%%%%%Simon and Jim sneaked into the staff room and checked to make sure no one else saw them. The gang had decided to break together right after lunch away from outside eyes so that they could have some downtime. They had found it wasn't easy to be in the spotlight and even Blair had to admit that being famous even for a day wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
As Simon joined the rest of the group, Jim casually used his senses to ensure his friends' well-being. Since he'd had his mind on the hoarding masses all morning, he wanted to make sure his "mini-Tribe" was okay. He quickly became concerned when he noticed that one of the occupants' hearts was beating off the scale and he went into full protector mode to find out why. He quickly attributed each of the heartbeats he was hearing to the people around him until he had accounted for all of the faces.
Puzzled, he went around the room again scanning for anything out of the ordinary until he found the extra heart-sound. As only someone with military training and an incredibly big gun - can do, the detective raised one of his hands which in some universal language meant "stop" or in Texas, "y'all hush" and brought silence to the room. He motioned for Simon and Joel to follow him and the three large men crept softly to the back.
Jim signalled for a three-count and pulled, like the others, his gun out and aimed it at the curtain partition. Joel nodded and reached his hand out to take a handful of the curtain turning his eyes to Simon for the word to proceed. The captain, knowing this was probably a bit much considering they were in a bookstore and not one of the many number of dilapidated and abandoned warehouses found in Cascade and any other prime-time, television city, shrugged and decide to go along for the ride. What the hey. It was something to do. He did the count and like the perfectly choreographed force they were, revealed the culprit and had her covered high, low and mid-ish in a matter of seconds.
The young woman shrieked and threw up her hands dropping the little writing pad she'd been holding. Her eyes seemed magnified behind her glasses and the scent of pure fear was so strong even the "no-sense-of-smell" Brown, hence his choice of cologne, could detect it.
"Who are you?" Jim demanded aiming his gun right between the intruder's eyes.
"M-M-Mercury."
Joel decided he could do the tough thing as well, "What are you doing here?"
"I'm j-just t-taking a f-few no-notes."
It was Simon's turn and since the good questions had already been taken, he was left with, "Why?"
"For the
Blair and the others had found their way to the small group as soon as they were sure the danger from their guys had passed. "What fan club?" The bobbing anthropologist asked.
Mercury looked at the man like he'd suddenly sprouted wings and a diaper. "What fan club? Are you kidding me?" She noticed how they all had no clue what she was talking about and sighed. "You guys hadn't heard of the Greater Cascade Calendar Continuation Club?" Everyone shook his or her head no. "Don't you guys ever get out of the precinct?" Again, everyone more or less agreed he or she didn't and the woman shook her head. "And they say I'm sheltered."
Simon didn't like the way this conversation was headed so he jumped in, "Are you saying you're a member of some type of club that tries to get calendars continued?"
"Not just *any* calendar only yours." She smiled proudly. "We've entered into negotiations with your Chief Warren about you guys doing this every year and I'm happy to say that he's really close to authorising it. Our membership is thrilled!"
"Warren told you guys that he would get us to do something like this *every* year from now on?" Jim glared at his superior as if saying, "Free and clear, huh?"
"Well, yeah. We don't have anything in writing yet, but he did pinkie-swear to our president, Paulette, to make it official after today's performance."
Six faces blanched at that one word. "Performance? What performance?"
"Ah, there you are!" The voice of their superior boomed startling all assembled. "I was just about to send the uniforms out after you. It's about time for you to be getting back to your seats. We still have a couple of hundred people to appease and we don't want to be running behind for the rest of the festivities."
Jim decided enough was enough. He wanted answers and he wanted them last week! "Sir, what exactly are these 'festivities' and this 'performance' that we've been hearing about? Something tells me you're not talking about best penmanship awards."
Being the true politician that he was, Warren offered the detective his best smile which would have more than likely set babies to crying if any had been in the room and tipped his head. "Oh, didn't I tell you?" He tsked. "I guess it must have slipped my mind. Well, I suppose now is as good a time as any to let you know." The devil-look, as the squad had dubbed it, was back. "As a part of this signing deal and to better promote your
many talents, I agreed on your behalf for one final show of your benefit performance."
For like the first time ever, the cigar fell from Simon's mouth in shock. "We're performing here
in front of all those people?"
"Well, not exactly."
"How not exactly?"
"We couldn't very well cater to all those people inside this one little store, so, for the day, I was able to get the Mayor to ease up on the public decency rule and allow you to do your little
thing on a stage outside of the store. I already have your music and *outfits* set up, so you have nothing to worry about."
Rafe looked like he was about to pass out. "Nothing to worry about! You mean, we're scheduled to
dance out there
in public
in front of all those people
in broad daylight?"
Chief "Beelzebub" Warren grinned. "The *whole* routine." He winked as he turned to walk out the door. "Just be thankful it isn't raining."
"Come on, Jim. I'm not too happy about this either, but, to get Warren off my back, I'm willing."
"But, Simon, we're not talking about a banquet room full of people here. According to the uniforms, there's a few thousand people lining up out there to see us and I don't think charity is on their minds!"
"Probably not, but if it means ending this whole thing once and for all, isn't it worth the humiliation?"
"Honestly, no. There's got to be another way out of this. I mean, can't we turn him in to the EEOC or Fair Employment Practices or something?! Doesn't this constitute harassment in the worst possible way?"
"Look, I know this isn't on your list of things to do on a Wednesday afternoon, but, since you were the one who caused all of this in the first place, you're going to get up there and shake your butt just as happily as the rest of us. And by god, you're gonna smile while you're doing it or I'll have you busted down to meter-maid faster than you can pull out that skirt from your Vice days. Are we clear, Detective?"
"As crystal, Sir."
"Good. Now, help me with this thing. Something doesn't seem to be fitting right. With my luck, I probably ended up with Brown's!"
"Okay guys. Something's still off, so we're going to take it from the top again." Hearing the groans. "Look, people, we've got just under thirty minutes to get this up to speed so we won't be completely mortified by our performance to the point where we all have to join St. Sebastian's. I know the music's a little different and the ladies are unsettling the balance just a bit, but we can do this if we put our minds to it. So, everybody, take a deep breath and hold it." Watching as they all did it. "And, release it. And, from the top. Five-six-five-six-seven-eight."
The group went through the whole routine and finally the missing piece fell into place. The little tyrant grinned, "I just figured it out! It's not that you're doing anything wrong; it's that Jim's *finally* with us on the transition! The man found rhythm at last!"
As Jim blushed, the gang broke out into cheers.
The squad breathed sighs of relief and Jim stopped plotting escape routes in his head. About ten men and women stepped up on the stage and gave each of the performers robes to protect them from any chill. The owner of Harman's, Chief Warren and a young woman with long, black curly hair stepped over to the microphone that had mysteriously appeared on the stage.
The Chief motioned for silence and the crowd slowly died down. "On behalf of the men and women of Major Crimes, I'd just like to thank you for that enthusiastic show of
support." He waited for the new excitement to die down and then continued. "I'm sure you'll all agree we have some major talent up here on stage and you'll join with me in another rousing round of applause for their final performance." If possible, the noise-level grew to the point where Jim and Schuy had to lower their hearing down another notch and the others wished they could. Warren turned and joined in the applause as he looked on proudly at his group and his eyes twinkled at achieving his ultimate revenge. Well, not quite the ultimate, yet.
He returned his gaze to the masses and again raised his hand for silence. "And now for the moment you've all been waiting for." He motioned for the woman to move beside him and a young man placed a huge bowl in front of them on the stage. "I'd like to now hand over the floor to Paulette, the President of the Greater Cascade Calendar Continuation Club."
She smiled at the man and thanked him before turning back to the crowd. "As most of you are aware, the GCCCC has been running a contest for its members. The rules were simple: for each service provided to or for a legitimate charity of the city, county or state with documentation, the member would get his or her name put in the pot for a chance to win the ultimate prize. There was no limit on how many times your name could be entered because after all it was for charity." She waited for some of the excitement to die down before continuing. "I'm pleased to announce that at last count, we had over 10,000 entries which amounted to whole lot of kindness being offered. The Club and I would just like to say thank you for all that you've done and will be doing in the near future." More applause. "And, now, as Chief Warren mentioned, for the moment you've all been waiting for. Can I have a drum-roll please?"
From out of nowhere, the sound of a drum wafted over the crowd as Paulette reached in to the bowl and pulled out a single slip of paper. "The winner of the First Ever Golden G-String Award is," reading the slip, "Ms. Ann D'Oanerres."
A scream from the back of beyond permeated the applause and sobs and slowly a small path was cut down the middle of the sea of people like Moses and well, you know what I'm talking about. The woman finally made her way to the stage with tears streaming and laughter bubbling it was a confusing moment because she still couldn't believe she'd won and was helped up by two very strong SWAT guys.
Paulette happily hugged the woman and supported her as it seemed like she was about to shake herself to pieces. "First off, I'd like to say congratulations to Ann for winning and I'd also like to say how excited I am that she did make it up here because she's been one of the faithful masses that has flocked to every one of the club's many gatherings. I'm sure
"
While the woman continued, Jim, Simon and Blair kind of stepped back from the rest and huddled without being to obvious.
"These people actually have gatherings? What do they do?"
"I'm kinda curious to know how long this has been going on."
"I'm more concerned with what the ultimate prize is."
As if she heard the question, Paulette finished up with, "And Ann has won a photo shoot and dinner with the Major Crimes group as well as her choice of any of the g-strings the guys just performed in signed by the wearer or wearers."
At that announcement, the cheers and applause grew to deafening proportions and the group was encouraged to gather around the winner while a few publicity pictures were taken.
When they were finished, Warren gathered them together off to the side while the uniforms set about disbursing the crowd. Without any preamble, the man smiled and raised his hands. "We are now even. Thank you, gentlemen and ladies, for the most fun I've had in a long time and I hope this will teach you that 'Payback is a Chief.'"
They watched in silence as the man left the stage and disappeared into the crowd. Everyone released sighs of relief that their debt had been paid, but Jim still couldn't shake the little voice that kept telling him they'd forgotten about something. After a few minutes of racking his brain, he gave up and joined in with the relief of his comrades. He shrugged. It was probably nothing anyway.
He just couldn't wait until next Monday when he and Raoul sprung on the group their ideas for *next* year's calendar.
Life could be *so* sweet and the possibilities were endless!
The End!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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"I'm not doing it! No way! No how! Double Hell no!"%%%%%%%%%%%%
Blair marched from one end of the line to the other frowning. He'd had to make a few adjustments, due to the change in music even though they'd rehearsed to the tune before and to the addition of the ladies at the bookstore owner's and several hundred of the male patron's requests, but something still wasn't right.%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
When the final strains of Donna Summer's, "Hot Stuff" died down, the group in their various positions and almost total lack of apparel were greeted with absolute silence. As they returned to their original line, all eight faces looked out at the audience in complete fear at the lack of any reaction. Then, as if someone above flipped a switch, the crowd went wild with screams and cheers and about a hundred faintings.%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Warren couldn't help himself as he whistled all the way to his car. Today had been a good day. He'd gotten his own back, practically guaranteed city-wide female support when his position came up for renewal, signed a major deal and scored a lot of points with the community service crowd. Oh, yes, today had been almost perfect.Back to the main page - Major Crimes
Comments, criticisms or kudos - Sammi