Lifetime
By Sammi M.
This is my fault. You'd think I would have learned to follow my
instincts my senses by now. After five years of listening to
Sandburg expound on how they are a part of me and how I should just go
with the flow and not fight them, I've finally accepted them. Too
little, too late.
I should have listened when I had the chance. I know that now. It's true hindsight is 20/20. I'm seeing everything clearer than I've ever seen things and that's saying a lot for a Sentinel. Loss will do that to you. I just wish it hadn't cost so much to learn.
I wish. Those have got to be two of the most versatile words in the English language. They can bring to mind so many emotions, so many thoughts. To a child gazing at the first star of the night, they can promise magic. To a young man standing on the edge of his future, they can promise hope. To me, they only hold regret. I wish
I've thought back to that night so often that I can almost time each comment, each word, each syllable down to the last second. I've replayed every action a thousand times, hoping that if I spot the one defining moment that would have changed everything, this nightmare would end and I'd wake up to the way things were.
I'm still sleeping, unfortunately. And like a video that's set on an endless loop, that night replays over and over never changing.
~~
We'd gone out to celebrate Daryl's being home from school with a 4.0 as well as his upcoming birthday. Simon, Blair and I had gone in together for hockey tickets to the ultimate grudge match between the Fire and the Serpents. We'd "kidnapped" the kid from his mom's and taken him to dinner at Smitty's and Simon'd even let him have half a beer. Midway through, we'd started bragging about our favourite teams in the match-up and trying to one-up each other.
The kid was something else. It was easy to see why Simon was so proud of his son. Taking on the peacekeeper role, Daryl had thrown out a little wager when our bragging competition turned a shade darker. Tempting us to put our money where our mouths were, he lured us in like an old pro and even manipulated us into accepting his non-monetary spoils for the victors. He joked that as cops, we'd all feel better if we *didn't* break the law. Guess his dad never told him about the weekly pools in the bullpen.
As I sat there watching him weave his spell over Sandburg and his dad, I couldn't help reflecting on how much he'd changed. Gone was the rebellious streak that we'd all seen so many times and in its place was a confidence and strength few men of *my* age could claim. Even though he'd grown into his mother's height, Daryl was most definitely his father's son. The Banks' presence was alive and well in the young man and it was made all the more powerful by the air of sensitivity that surrounded him.
To say that I was impressed with the man that was not only sitting beside me in the booth but also siding with me in the team wars was an understatement. Every time I would look at him, I'd get this warm feeling. It took me almost up to the start of the game to recognise it as parental pride. Not having a son of my own, I was projecting all of those types of feelings onto Daryl.
Like Simon, I had bristled when I'd heard about how his ex-advisor had tried to push him toward a "less demanding" major after seeing what the young man looked like and I'd also praised Daryl for standing up for himself, requesting another advisor and filing a grievance against the man. When Simon had gone on his "fatherly" trip about young people having sex, I'd agreed wholeheartedly with him and then secretly handed over my personal stash of "protection" to the kid. Yeah, it was kind of sneaky. Considering what could happen if he wasn't protected, I felt it was worth the risk of Simon's wrath. After all, this kid was gonna go far and I planned on handing out the cigars right along with his dad.
The best laid plans of mice and men
Throughout the game, Daryl and I had stood loyal behind our team, but our loyalty obviously wasn't enough. The Serpents trounced the Fire 5 to 2 after the Fire's Mackie had to be wheeled off the ice due to injury. We tried to be positive, but neither of us believed our team had a chance with him being gone he was not only the heart of the team, but also the best player. Simon and Blair had taken every opportunity to torment us on our bad choice during the game so by the final buzzer, I wasn't in the best of moods.
I suppose I could blame the noise of the crowds or the fact that the guy two rows behind us had decided to drench himself in this cheap cologne that could have felled a dung fly. I'd dialled my senses down to the bare minimum I needed to function even though I'd had a bad feeling since we'd entered the arena. I kept telling myself it was a question of survival if I was gonna be stuck with the damn senses then I ought to be able to save myself some massive discomfort. My first mistake.
Ignoring my mood, Simon and Blair continued to heckle us about our team's loss and they took great pleasure in plotting out our punishment as we walked out to our vehicles. Rather than deal with them at their most smug, I'd slowed to almost a crawl. I was hoping that by the time I'd made it to the truck, they'd have gotten it all out of their systems and I would have relative peace on the way home. My quest for peace was my second mistake.
Daryl noticed my pulling back and I guess he decided to stick with me through the end. Either that or he was feeling sorry for me. Whatever his reason, he stopped and waited for me to catch up with him and offered me a surprisingly understanding adult grin. Whoa! When did this kid man grow up?! We started talking about his school and activities and the girl that he was seeing and I could feel my pride growing with every word he uttered. I could see him doing so much with his life.
Out of the blue, Daryl's face became serious and to the day I die, I'll always remember what he said to me.
"Jim, you're one of my dad's best friends. I want you to promise me that you'll watch out for him. I need to know that he'll be okay when I'm not around."
For several seconds, I just stared at him in stunned disbelief. I wondered where that had come from, but I ignored it and went ahead and reassured him that I'd always watch out for his father. It was the least I could do considering how much Simon had done for me and Sandburg.
I must have said exactly what he wanted to hear because whatever heaviness had descended on Daryl seemed to melt away. He graced me with a Banks grin and returned to his earlier conversation about his girlfriend. I know I should have pushed him, but I've never really been good with the deep stuff. I didn't want to deal with whatever dark demons were after Daryl and I'll always regret that.
Trying to totally dispel the darkness and my mood once and for all, I asked him if he'd like his present a little early. As if ten years had fallen away, the little boy inside the man jumped at the mention of a gift. Delighting in yet another aspect of vicarious fatherhood, I happily tossed him the keys to the truck and told him the big box on the front seat had his name on it. That was my biggest mistake.
As I watched his excited jog to the truck, that feeling I'd been trying to ignore all evening long flared. Monitoring my surroundings, I eyed Simon and Blair, still a little ways ahead of me, as they benevolently watched the younger Banks.
In the time it took him to insert the key into the lock, my senses pushed past the dials and catalogued every ounce of information.
Sight The red sensor glow as the mechanism was triggered.
Hearing The tiny bottle being snapped and the catalyst being released.
Smell The scent of chemicals as they combined with deadly intent.
Touch The heat of the tiny spark that erupted in an unforgiving fireball.
Taste Death.
~~
Blair had angled himself so that he could continue to talk to Simon and watch me at the same time. Even when he was thinking up tortures for me, he was still looking out for his Sentinel. Unfortunately, this tiny action placed him just that much in front of Simon. The blast tossed him several feet, which wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't landed on his head. Next to the explosion itself, I'll never forget the sound of his head hitting the pavement.
For weeks, I prayed that glorious mind wouldn't be affected. Throughout the swelling and the coma, I held out hope. When he finally awakened, the hope couldn't withstand the harshness of reality. The doctors finally agreed that the damage had been too severe. Blair would be able to function, but only at a child's level. The man that I'd known was gone.
~
Like any proud father, Simon was watching his son's every move. I can still remember the smile that was on his face as he saw how happy Daryl was. He saw everything that happened. I just wish that the last thing he would ever see wouldn't have been so soul shattering.
The eye specialist that my father flew in told us the explosion had taken away about 77.5% of Simon's sight - I marvelled at his ability to be so precise. Of course, he lost points with me when I asked him what about the other 22.5% and he couldn't answer. But, that was okay - I already knew. If you had a choice of living in darkness or seeing the empty place where the largest part of your heart used to be, which would you choose?
~
I walked away with only a few scratches.
~
It felt like all of Cascade turned out on that rare sunny day. Young and old gathered around the small area and mourned the loss of a great young man.
I sat beside Joan comforting her as Simon would have if he'd been able. I silently held her as her pain finally broke free at the sight of her only child being buried. I shared every tear she cried because I felt her loss felt it as if it were my own flesh and blood in that casket they lowered into the ground. After the ceremony, my heart broke at every drop of dirt that fell on that wooden box.
Until that moment, I never believed that earth was alive past all of the nutrients and minerals that helped other things grow. But, as they covered up the final resting-place of Daryl Simon Banks, I could have sworn that each drop of dirt earth sounded like a mournful tear.
~~
Everyone tried to talk me into putting Simon and Blair into a private facility, but I just couldn't do it to them. Even though times are more often bad than good, it helps me make it knowing that I'm doing everything I can for them.
Shortly after Simon was released from the hospital, I sold the loft and moved Sandburg's and my stuff out to his house. I had often teased my captain about buying such a sprawling home when it was pretty much just him. He'd come back jokingly that the house would serve him well in his old age when Daryl filled the place with lots of grandchildren. God, how I wish
I had two of the rooms converted to meet both Simon and Blair's needs. I doubt either of them appreciates it much though. Blair can only focus on whatever item or task is put in front of him. When he's not working with the therapists, he just rocks himself content in his own little world.
As for Simon well, when he was still talking, I asked him if he was in pain after I noticed him grimacing. "It's not a pain that any medicine can cure, Jim." He paused as he took a deep breath, "Sometimes I wish that memories had on-off switches. With my eyes gone, my mind keeps replaying the last thing I saw. *No* one should have to live with that image being the last they ever see."
Shortly thereafter, Simon just stopped talking. He still manages to get up and get dressed with the help of the nurse I hired for him, but, for the most part, Simon Banks is gone.
Just as much as the old Blair Sandburg is. Just as much as I am.
I wish
~~
Looking at my two best friends and what they've been reduced to, I know what true Hell is. Hell isn't the fire and brimstone that religious leaders have been preaching to the poor, unsuspecting masses. Hell is more insidious more a state of mind. If you're lucky, you die before ever experiencing it. If you're unlucky, you're the only one who feels its bite. If you're damned, you watch the people you care about the most suffer in your place.
If it takes a lifetime to take care of them, I'll gladly give it. It's the very least that I can do.
I owe them that much. I owe Daryl that much.
I promised.
The End