Oh, and let's not get into the administrative side of police work. Budget cuts keeping you on the road more hours than your body can handle, unfair conditions causing a blue flu where you find yourself sitting up for weeks totally ignored, and regular inspections that have you driving in circles in preparation.
Honk if you love Cascade!
But, I digress. This story isn't about me or my woes. This story is an old beat cop's view of the daily lives of the men – and women – behind the shield.
Take Major Crimes, for example. I sit here day-in and day-out watching them come and go and listening to them talk about everything. I don't think anyone else could have a better insight on what drives them... or is that what they drive? Anyway, it's utterly amazing that a group that snipes and bickers as much as they do can pull together and function as a unit.
I know you probably don't want to believe that they're anything other than the shiny facades they present to the world, but I know the truth. I know their inner workings – I see what makes them get up and go. How do I know these things, you ask? Well, let's just say that when the shift has changed and the doors are closed, you can get a pretty good idea of what makes their engines rev.
Still don't believe me? Then park it here and I'll let you judge for yourself. In fact, I think two of our main players are already here – they're always one of the first ones to arrive.
Keep quiet, now. The pale one may look rather road-weary, but he seems to have exceptional hearing. Follow close, they tend to gather just around this corner.
~~"Good morning, Captain."
"How's my favorite Detective this fine Monday morning?"
"Not half as well as you, obviously. What's got you in such a rare good mood?"
"*I* spent the whole weekend just lazing around the house, basking in the sun. Durango trekked up to the mountains on Saturday for a father-son fishing trip, but to tell you the truth, I think I got more fresh air not having that big giant around blowing smoke. Then, when he returned yesterday, CR was dragged out for a test run along the coast. He really loves that wind rushing by. Personally, I'm a fan of climate-control and I hate what that sea air does to me. How about your weekend?"
"I was hoping to go somewhere exciting, but unfortunately, my excitement was limited to a couple of beer runs and one long stop at the library."
"Volvo's down again?"
"At this point, it's down more times than it's up. I swear, he has to have his mechanic on retainer."
"Of course it could be just that some pretty little thing with a hot chassis lives nearby."
"Don't even get me started! A vintage Jag just moved in downstairs and that's had him really rattling his pipes at all hours, but he says he'll still be here later on."
"Speaking of rattling, you didn't sound too good on your way in. Problems?"
"I don't know, sir. I've had this for a couple of weeks and I've been hoping it would go away, but it does seem to be getting a bit more noticeable. (Expelling air) I suppose I'll have to go see someone about it."
"Oh god. Here comes Wrangler … with his top off no less."
"Good morning, gentlemen. Ready to start the day?"
"*We* are, Detective, but I don't think you could be considered professionally attired."
"Not to mention the fact that it's supposed to rain today."
"Sorry, sir. I was running late this morning and only had time to throw my top in the back. I was planning on putting it on once I got here."
"(Diverting attention) Sir, where's Intrigue? He's usually here by now."
"I sent him out with Viper to an early morning crime scene. They probably won't be back for a while."
"Thank goodness for that. Viper always looks so perfect. I'd never hear the end of it if he caught me with my top off."
"So, Intrepid, why'd you send Intrigue on the call? I thought he was taking it easy after that last run-in with Humvee."
"He was, but this call was right up his alley."
"Not another car bombing?"
"Yeah, Wrangler, but this time they took out Rolls Royce."
"These guys have really got plugs to be hitting a U.S. senator. I'm sure you're feeling the heat over this one."
"Why do you think I sent out Intrigue? Though he's no longer with the Bomb Squad, he's still the best in the field."
"How about as soon as Volvo gets here, we head on out and offer our assistance?"
"I'd appreciate that, Ford. I was thinking of heading out there myself to oversee things."
"May I go along for the ride, sir? I think I might be able to add a different perspective."
"Hey, Saturn LS, I didn't see you pull in. I meant to tell you I like the new look. You got a nice set of wheels there."
"Down, Wrangler, I'm not that kind of girl."
"That's not what I heard. (Aside to the others) She's manual."
"I heard that, Wrangler. Besides, aren't you familiar with that saying 'It takes a real woman to handle a stick' and didn't you know five speeds really get my motor running? (Pulling closer) I'd close my hoods, boys, if I were you. Wouldn't want to attract flies."
"Uh, Ford, am I overheating?"
"No, buddy. That's just Intrepid's cigars."
"Never mind my cigars and I think we're all gonna go out to the site. (Listening) What's that noise?"
"Damn! It sounds like Viper's back. Where's my top?"
"Good morning, gents and lady. Umm, Wrangler, isn't that a gouge in your interior? See what happens when you drive around without your top?"
"Oh, cut your honking! I got up late. Not all of us can look like we just stepped off the cover of 'Car and Driver'."
"You don't even look like you should be on the cover of 'Mechanic's Monthly'."
"That's enough, gentlemen! I'd appreciate it if we could get back to business. All of this isn't helping us solve this case."
"No, sir, but it sure is doing wonders for my sound system."
"That's your engine idling, *Neon*."
"Oooh, that's hitting below the belt, Wrangler. You know how sensitive he is about size."
"Poor, Viper. Haven't you learned yet it's not the size that matters, but what you do with it."
"As the single female in the group, I'd have to disagree with you there. I always admire a man with a big engine."
"(Ford laughing) Guess that knocks you out of the running completely, Viper."
"That's not fair! Why's everyone picking on me all of sudden?"
"Probably because you're just too damn pretty. No car looks that good all the time. Gives normal folks the willies."
"Hey, good to see you, Intrigue. You made it back just in time for our Viper roast."
"Humph! You guys are just jealous cause I had a TV show named after me."
"Hate to tell you this, son, but last I checked, you'd been canceled."
"Not my fault the networks can't recognize quality television when they see it. If those execs would get their heads out of their trunks every once in a while, they might be able to pick a good show or two."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Say, Ford, what time did Volvo say he was getting here? We really need to get a move on. I for one don't want to be parked around the precinct all day if I can help it."
"I'm here, Captain. (Hesitating) Sorry I'm late, but my mechanic was having trouble locating the problem."
"Sounds like he still didn't find it, Chief."
"Yeah, well, I'm a classic. I'm high maintenance."
"You got that right, Sparky."
"So, what did I miss?"
"Everything, but we don't have time to sit here and idle. Ford can fill you in on the way. Saturn, you ride with Viper and Wrangler, canvassing the neighborhood while trying to keep from crashing into each other. Intrigue, you're with me. I want you to fill me up on all of the details you picked up at the site. Ford, you and Volvo go back over the site before heading out to talk to the Second Car and all of their Compacts – I heard that she was angry when he junked her and left her with the kids. Let's aim for a smooth ride people – no need to rumple any fenders. And always remember to drive safely – we don't want any accidents out there."
"But what about Ford?"
"Accidents are apart of his design. Let his insurance worry about him. We have a case to solve."
"(Watching everyone leave quickly) You know what, Ford?"
"No, but I'm sure you're gonna tell me, Volvo."
"I think I've figured out the problem with today's cars. Everything's all about big engines, flashy paint jobs and designer bodies. Nobody has the time to sit back and enjoy the finer things in life – dependability, trust, great gas mileage and reliability. Know what I mean?"
"As if you could say anything about reliability. How many times have you clunked out this last week?"
"(Fading away as they drive out of the garage) Hey man, I *so* do not clunk! I told you, I'm a classic."
~~So, there you have it folks. Just another day in the life of Cascade's four-wheel finest. Their interiors may not be pretty, but they get the job done.
That said, it's about time I get back to work. It's been real nice showing you folks around and if you happen to be over by Lanning and Fourth, why don't you give me a honk just to know you're out there. It's a simple thing, but it lets me know my old radials are appreciated.
Drive safely and don't go letting anyone pass you any watered down gas out there.
Vroom! (The End)
For those of you who might want to know, here's a list of our characters:
Blair – Volvo (green)
Jim – 69 Ford (blue and white)
Simon – Dodge Intrepid (bright platinum metallic)
With brief mentions of:
Dodge Durango (Weekend use) (chili pepper red)
79 Harley Davidson XLCR Café Racer
Joel – Oldsmobile Intrigue (forest)
Henry – Jeep Wrangler Sport (gunmetal)
Rafe – Dodge Viper RT/10 (Viper red)
Megan – Saturn LS – with power sunroof (black)
Special Appearance by Garett Kincaid – Humvee (fatigue green)
Please, whatever you do, don't kill us. We're too young and sweet to die. We punished ourselves enough while writing this.