He Fell
I'm in the midst of one helluva writer's block and this snippet is the only thing that popped into my mind. It's Simon angst (as if you were expecting something different from me) originally posted to the SentinelAngst List and it really is a snippet.
British spellings, so take that as a warning.
Author: Sammi M.
Email: sammi4@earthlink.net
Spoilers: None
Date Completed: 2/29/00
Disclaimer: None of them are mine, though I do have an option to buy Simon.
Category: Angst (but not half as bad as I've done in the past)
Feedback: Sure, why not
Simon Banks entered his empty, dark home with weighted shoulders and an aching heart that matched his sombre surroundings. Dropping his dress coat on a nearby chair, he didn't bother with the lights because with light he would be able to better see the nothingness he knew was all around him. Granted, his beloved furniture that he'd handpicked after his family had fallen apart filled the rooms and his various collections of black angels, jazz figurines and tribal antiques still remained in their places of honour, but to him, there was nothing.
Nothing that truly mattered.
Today had brought that fact home to him in a big way.
Moving effortlessly through the dark halls of his house, Simon entered the kitchen and headed for his refrigerator and the cold, wet, numbing comfort of a beer. As he opened the door and the intensely bright light blasted his eyes, he noticed that, with the exception of a six-pack of his favourite brew, everything inside was for one.
The pre-packaged meals - neatly placed inside - that were all he had time for, screamed at him his life – single, individual, one. They taunted him with the knowledge he was alone.
Turning away from the fridge, Simon sighed as he looked around the now dead room and remembered what he'd lost. Gone were the days when his cabinets and refrigerator overflowed in the attempt to keep his family fed. Gone were the times when the kitchen was the warmest room in the house – not because it was where the cooking took place, but because it was where his family had gathered just to be together. Gone were the happy sounds of a family cooking and laughing just because it felt good.
All that was left was Simon Banks.
Alone.
He fell…
Giving up on the beer, Simon decided he could ease the loneliness that was eating away at him with a little television. He hoped a good game or even a bad one would be enough to quiet the daemons that were nagging at him – the ones that wouldn't let him forget all he'd lost today.Walking back through the dim halls, he couldn't stop his eyes from drifting towards the closed door on the left. Even in the dark, he could still make out the difference in the paint where a poster had hung for what felt like forever. Unconsciously, his hand reached out and traced the pattern, accidentally opening the door.
His heart broke a little more as he took in the now stripped and bare room that at one time had been the haven of his greatest accomplishment.
Walls that had been covered from top to bottom in posters and pictures and awards … and just plain life echoed the emptiness that settled in his soul.
Simon stood in the doorway and remembered Daryl in that room from the time he and Joan had brought him home from the hospital - so small in such a large crib - to just the week before when his adult son – no longer small - had packed up everything for his departure for college. In the space of a few minutes, he could see Daryl grow and change and he could mourn for the loss of the little boy who at one point thought his daddy hung the moon and the stars. He could mourn for the young man who at one point wanted to be just like his father – wanted to serve and protect.
He stood there and mourned because added to this day was the knowledge that his "little" boy had decided not to follow in his father's footsteps – deciding instead to follow in his brand-new stepfather's.
There would be no Banks legacy in the Cascade Police Department as Simon had secretly hoped.
Instead, there would be a partnership waiting for Daryl in Camden, Lowen and Stanhope just as soon as he finished Stanford and Stanford Law – all courtesy of said stepfather.
Down deep, darker still…
Unable to keep standing there, Simon dragged himself into his living room and reached for the remote he kept on a table near the sofa. Dropping down onto the seat, he thoughtlessly turned on the television and flipped from channel to channel until he came to a local news programme he was familiar with. Leaning his head on the back of the sofa, he half-listened to the sportscaster droning on about the Jags chances of making it to the playoffs and let his mind drift to what he had to do the next day.He was on the brink of dozing when the words "wedding" and "Stanhope" brought him back to full wakefulness and had him sitting up and staring at the screen. As if in a trance, he turned up the volume and listened as the anchorwoman gushed about the nuptials of prominent lawyer Arthur Stanhope and businesswoman Joan Banks. Simon watched dazedly as the camera zoomed in on the glowing couple and he forced himself to admit that his ex-wife had never looked lovelier or happier. The next shot was of a beaming Joel Taggert, who the newswoman explained had walked his sister down the aisle, and an equally beaming Daryl Banks – who the woman identified as the couple's "son" and best man, hugging the newlyweds before seeing them off.
He'd thought, since he'd been there and seen the events first-hand, that the feelings couldn't get any worse, but seeing it play out again in front of him made him hurt so much more.
Endless darkness, faster and faster …
It was too much.It was the final nail in the coffin of what had once been his life – what he'd thought was a good life. He'd fooled himself and that had led him to where he was now.
Alone.
Nothing to hold on to, nothing wanting to hold him…
Sadly, Simon turned off the television and stared at the window, realising that he'd lost everything that had ever really meant anything to him because he'd been too focused on creating a better life for his family. A better life they already had just because they were together.
He fell and fell with no end in sight…
The ringing of the doorbell jarred him from his dark thoughts and wearily he made his way to his door. Throwing caution, as well as his police training, to the wind, Simon opened it without checking who it was and was shocked to find Jim and Blair on his doorstep.Pushing him aside, Blair entered the room and stopped in the middle of the darkness. "Geez, Simon. What'd you do? Forget to pay the light bill?" Not waiting for permission, the younger man started turning on lights until the rooms had a healthy glow to them. "That's so much better. For a minute there I thought someone had died."
Jim followed closely behind his roommate, but with a bit more respect for his boss' home. "And how do you know he wasn't busy in here, Chief. Simon could have been entertaining some nubile goddess."
"Yeah, right," Blair commented as he rolled his eyes. "Like that was happening. Simon hasn't had a date since … well, … since about the last time you did. The chances of either of you getting busy is about as high as me joining the priesthood."
"I'd watch what I was saying, Sandburg. Simon and I both know where you live."
Blair snorted as he took a seat on the sofa. "Oooh, like I am so scared."
Jim walked over to his still silent friend, placed his hand on Simon's shoulder and squeezed. "We're not gonna let the pipsqueak get away with this, are we?" When the taller man continued to stand there and just stare at him, Jim locked his eyes with Simon's and let his friend know that he understood. "We're in this together, buddy. Alone, we can't do anything, but together…"
One word echoed through Simon's head as he looked into Jim's eyes and that one word spoke volumes.
Together.
Not alone.
Together.
And suddenly, the day didn't seem as dark and empty as it had before.
"Yeah, Jim, together." The first smile in what felt like forever crossed Simon Banks' face as the daemons he'd been battling all day finally grew silent. Winking at Jim to let him know he was on the road back, he jerked his head in Blair's direction. "Come on, buddy. Between the two of us, he won't know what hit him."
And the light was there at the end to catch him.
Finito
