The Full Exposure By Sammi M.
Simon stood at his full 6 feet-plus height and glared down at the much smaller man. "You have no choice."
"Excuse me? Aren't you the one who's always running around yelling that I can't do something cause I'm not a cop? Well, I'm finally going to listen to you! This is a requirement for you, *Cops*, not me."
"Doesn't work that way, Sandburg. You owe me and you're gonna do it."
"How do I owe you? I haven't done anything really bad lately."
"One word: Womack."
In the space of seconds, Blair went white and then totally red at the realisation that someone had squealed. He quickly turned and speared the squealer with his dark-blue lasers that promised later retribution. Without removing his eyes from his target, he addressed his friend "And how exactly do you figure I *owe* you for *my* misunderstanding?"
Using his best put-upon expression and all six hours of his high-school theatre training, Simon took the floor. "Do you realise how much I was hurt by your thoughts of my setting something like that up? The hours I spent wondering what I had done to deserve this. Me, a fine, upstanding paragon of the community *and* a caring father relegated to the role of pimp." It was his turn to glare as Rafe nearly choked on his barely concealed laughter. "I lost hours of sleep going over and over the idea that you thought I would pay for a woman. My mind couldn't get past my 'friend' thinking me capable of an act of this magnitude and severity." He closed his eyes and seemed to be taking several breaths to calm himself. "But, what really hurts is that you don't think something like this would bother me. It says a lot of what kind of man you think I am."
Blair watched as the captain turned away from the group as if trying to hide deeper emotions. It took all he had not to laugh, especially when Megan and Joel hopped up to "comfort" their boss. *This is priceless! After that performance, what's a little humiliation.* "Simon, I'm sorry. I had no idea of the pain I caused with my thoughts." With a will of iron, the young man managed to wipe all traces of hysterical laughter from his features and plastered a supportive smile on his face. "Just tell me what exactly you want and I'm there."
Ignoring the snickers from the rest of the group, Simon straightened his shoulders and turned back. "I knew you wouldn't let me down."
"Now that we've dispensed with the Hallmark moment, do you guys think we could get back to what we're really supposed to be discussing?" Jim wanted this over as soon as possible because he wanted a head start on disappearing now that his roommate knew he'd spilled the beans about what was now referred to as "The Sandwich Incident". "I still don't see why we were given this movie? Out of all the other ones they could have picked, why this one?"
"Who knows what was going on in their minds when they picked them. All they would say was this was appropriate for our team." The captain leaned back on the desk at the front of the room. "The benefit committee set up the theme and Chief Warren assigned the movies. I keep trying to remember if we've ticked him off lately, but I can't think of a thing that would warrant this."
Megan shook her head. "I don't know what the big deal is. It's one simple scene."
"Yeah, but think about the kind of scene it is. Do you realise how humiliating this is going to be?"
"But, it's for a good cause." Crossing her arms. "You guys are such whiners. You should stop focusing so much on the act itself and remember what you're doing it for."
Jim bristled, "That's easy for you to say, Connor, because you're not in the show, but "
"I'm in the show."
"What?"
"I'm *in* the show. In fact, I'm not the on "
Before anyone could comment, Schuyler knocked and popped her head in the room. "Hope I'm not too late."
Blair moved to the door and ushered his sister in with a kiss on her cheek. "What are you doing here? Were we supposed to meet or something?"
"Nope." Her eyes twinkled. "I'm here to help. Chief Warren invited me to join you guys in the benefit. I'm supposed to work with Megan."
Suspiciously. "Work with Megan doing what?"
"That's for us to know and you not to find out until that night, Sandy." She pushed the confused girl ahead of her and out the door. "We'll meet you at the studio around 6:30 to help. Make sure everyone's there because we've got a lot to do and not a whole lot of time to get it done."
"They're not going to watch us practice, are they?" Rafe asked as a look of fear crossed his features. "That would be like so degrading."
Simon agreed he almost looked at the two young women as daughters, but he knew it would help his guys succeed so, "Well, we are going to need all the help we can get and technically they are help."
The small room filled with groans and every single man in the room prayed it wouldn't get any worse.
Yeah, right.
%%%%%%%%%%%Because of his many hidden talents, Blair had been elected coordinator and Simon, because of ballet classes his mother had insisted on when he was younger so that he would be a tall *graceful* man his assistant.
At the start of the rehearsal, all of the guys were required to "strut their stuff" so that an idea of what they were dealing with could be determined.
After Schuy and Megan stopped their on-the-floor laughter and Blair and Simon accepted that eating a gun was a possible option, they all set to work. It was decided that barring a miracle the group needed all the rehearsals they could get. So schedules were argued and dates cancelled and according to Rafe and Brown, all thoughts of "fun" were abolished.
The anthropologist moved to the front of the stage. "Okay, guys. We only have three weeks to whip ourselves into something the benefit will be proud of." Like any small tyrant, Blair had the others sit while he paced the floor. With his hair tied back and his scowl in place, the young man was even intimidating Simon. "From this point on, no sweets will pass your lips and you will follow the diet being handed out by the ladies." He waited for the groans to die down after everyone had a chance to glance at the little booklet they were given. "Since we don't have a lot of time, I'll allow you to stick to your normal workout routine as long as you maintain it." He barely caught Brown's grin. "Except for H. Since you don't have one, you'll be assigned to Megan and Schuyler when they workout."
The ladies shared an evil grin and Megan couldn't help rubbing it in. "Hope you like early mornings because we meet at 5 am and work to 7."
"Somebody close H's mouth before he attracts bugs," Blair continued. "You will all arrive here as soon as your shifts end and spend, at the minimum, twenty minutes stretching because I'm not going to go easy on any of you." Again, he waited for the groans to die down and for his female assistants to wheel out a TV/VCR combo. "Now, tonight, we're gonna watch the movie and then I'm going to teach you the stretches you're gonna need to help you through this." He turned back to his captive audience. "Any questions or comments?"
Joel's hand raised almost immediately, "Yeah, is counselling going to be available to all of us when this is finally over?"
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%"No. No. No! Jim, you're too early on the transition and you're throwing everyone else off. Simon, you take his position and take them back through it. And, five-six-five-six-seven-eight."
"This is *not* what I signed up for when I joined the academy. Vice, I could understand, but we're supposed to be the elite."
"Do you think he was serious when he said we were going to have to shave? Don't you think that's unnatural for guys to shave their legs?"
"It wasn't our legs he was talking about."
"Omigod! He wants a razor where!"
"So, how far do you think we'll have to go? I mean, I'm all for doing stuff for charity, but I don't really have the body to go all the way."
"Not to mention it would be illegal. From what I understand, Chief Warren talked it over with the girls and they agreed on something tasteful. If you're worried about your body shape, try the cellophane wrapping. It might just work."
"I hear talking and I don't see crisp transitions! We're not leaving here tonight until I see them so crisp they crackle."
"God help us all."
%%%%%%%%%%%%%"Uh uh. There is no way I am wearing THAT! It doesn't cover anything!"
"It's not supposed to, Jim."
A feminine voice cut in, "Besides, that's not what you're finishing up in."
"What do you mean, that's not what we're finishing up in? An eye patch has more material. How can you get smaller?"
Another feminine voice supplied the answer. "Easy." She held up something else. "This is what the Chief wants you to finish up in."
"He has to hate us! Why else would he want us to wear a slingshot?!" Shaking his head. "There is no way I am getting close to that thing let alone wearing it."
"If you're worried about it not being flattering, Sandy already worked it out so that you guys are to be fitted."
"What?!"
"Wow, Schuy, you were right. They probably could keep better time if they followed the muscle in his jaw."
Schuyler laughed. "I'm still in the analogy of the slingshot."
"I don't get it."
"I keep flashing on who's got the stones worthy of a giant."
Jim stalked off as the women found themselves rolling on the floor again.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%"Are you guys ready?" The young woman yelled.
"Just start the damn thing, Sandburg."
Two sets of eyes locked and winked at each other before a button was pushed. Six bodies dressed in summer Blues walked out onto the stage and took their positions to a recorded fanfare. With true military precision they turned to face the back wall and offered to the audience of two some of the best views in all of Cascade.
As the fanfare died down, the guys psyched themselves up for their last rehearsal before the big performance. This was the moment they had been preparing for. After today, they'd know whether or not they could stay in Cascade to lead relatively normal lives. If this wasn't everything expected, they'd never be able to show their faces around here again. They waited patiently for their music to cue and
The Village People's Macho Man blasted out of the speakers.
Six pairs of stunned eyes turned to the two women who barely contained their laughter.
"Do you mind? We don't have all day."
"Sorry. We couldn't resist."
"Besides, it just sort of fit."
"Does anyone else here think this constitutes sexual harassment?"
"I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I suddenly feel so dirty."
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%The benefit was going pretty well. The audience seemed to love the various acts and appreciated the hard work behind each. From Special Operations' scene from Apollo 13 to the Bomb Squad's Braveheart to SWAT's Pulp Fiction, no one was disappointed with the action. Patrol did a police take on A Few Good Men, ESU conspired in JFK, Communications ran with Secrets and Lies and Support Services had everyone rolling with their part of Working Girl.
The committee and the Chief had decided it was best to save the Major Crimes performance for last for obvious reasons. Even if it was a bomb, it was still pretty much guaranteed to bring the house down and a few of the temperatures of the supporters up. And boy did the PD need some high supporters' temperatures!
Since they were last, the guys had a chance to check out the other departments and for the most part, they had been impressed. Most of them had agreed that Internal Affair's take on Fargo had been exceptional, but Robbery/Homicide's Titanic had almost stolen the show.
The biggest surprise had come when Megan and Schuyler had taken the stage after the first act and sang one of the award-winning songs. Their voices were so perfect that after they finished, the audience sat stunned for several minutes. Then, the applause was nearly deafening.
The Major Crimes table was just as shocked as the rest of the group, but they were reserving judgement until after the next set. Four songs later, they were impressed.
"Have you guys been holding out on us? Why didn't you tell us they could sing like that?"
"I had no idea about Schuy, but you guys hang around Megan as much as we do. You never noticed even an on-key hum?"
"She never even said 'Freeze!' on key." Looking to the younger man. "What about you, Hairboy? You can't tell me you didn't know about your sister having a mean set of pipes."
"You think she'd sing around me? Puhleeze! As much as I teased her when we were younger, there would be no way she'd privately let me know she had talent." He quickly glanced at his watch. "Well, guys. It's time for us to head back. I hope you're ready."
"As if we weren't, we'd have any other choice."
"Why do I suddenly feel like I'm on my way to my funeral."
"Probably because you'd get a better reception there."
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%"You ladies are fantastic! How have you been able to hide such talent as well as such figures from the rest of us? Your voices are as lovely as you are in those dresses."
Two identical growls came from two different directions as Jim and Blair joined the small group. "Watch what you say, H. One of these ladies just happens to be my little sister."
"Give it a rest, Ellison. I've seen you all in your costumes and trust me, I know he's *talking* a big game." Schuy reached over and adjusted his tie. "Okay. You guys ready to dazzle the crowd with your act?"
Simon moved towards them. "I suppose as ready as we're gonna get."
Megan also adjusted his tie and added a slight tilt to his hat. "Don't worry, Captain. We'll have the hoses ready just in case." She turned to the other half of her duo. "You set for the last one?"
"I am if you are."
"Then shall we?"
"Let's." Schuy waited until Megan was almost onstage and turned back with a mischievous grin. "We'll get 'em worked up for you and then they'll be all yours."
Six voices in perfect unison mumbled, "That's what we're afraid of."
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%The final song had left the crowd wanting more and the Major Crimes gang was more nervous than they thought possible.
"Omigod, some of those women are actually drooling! The committee should have sold buckets as well. They would have doubled everything they made."
"Calm down, Rafe. We'll be perfectly safe on the stage. The Chief promised us the weightlifting team would be between us and the audience."
"Oh. But, isn't this the same Chief who promised us tasteful performance wear?"
"Omigod. He's set us up to be the dessert at a Weight Watchers meeting."
"I hope my will's in order."
"I knew I shouldn't have done this! I'm not a cop! I'm too young to die like this."
"Did anyone else notice how much these things actually ride you? I can't seem to get mine to stay in place."
The two ladies finished with their bows after their third ovation and Megan removed the mike from its stand. "Thank you very much. We really appreciate the warmth we feel from this room." She fanned herself. "Speaking of warmth. I don't know if any of you have noticed how hot it's become in the last few minutes, but I must say, the temperature is certainly rising. Since I know a lot of you have been waiting patiently for this next act, I must warn those of you with weak hearts or that can't stand a lot of heat to please leave now. We won't be responsible for any adverse reactions later."
Taking the offered mike. "So, without further ado, I'm pleased to introduce the hottest of hot; the guys who define Heat. Let me hear a nice 'warm' welcome for your Major Crimes Division."
They walked off the stage to barely contained screams and winked at the gathered group. "I do believe they're ready for you."
"Yeah, don't break anything."
Megan and Schuy hurried to their seats and the younger woman made sure to dial down her hearing as the fanfare and the screams began.
Backstage, six nervous men braced themselves for what they were about to face.
"Okay, guys. Just remember this is for charity. It's one night and nothing more. We can do it." Blair nodded at each of his team and turned to head for the stage. "And, whatever you do, *don't* follow Jim's lead. He's still too fast on the transition."
Six bodies moved into position and did their precision turn to the moans of the many supporters and patrons. As the first strains of "You Can Leave Your Hat On" drifted down to the performers, Chief Warren sat back in his seat in the corner and grinned. *This'll teach you guys not to set me up on any more blind dates. From what I hear, you lost more hair in this than I did in my little incident.* He leaned back in his chair and basked in the delighted screams of the crowd and the high colour of the performers as the pants came off. "Yep, I really love my job."
The End
So, what makes me bad? The fact that I wrote something like this or that I left you all "dangling" with anticipation for the full exposure?
No flames, please. After writing this and picturing everything, trust me, I'm hot enough.