And to Think It All Started with a Baseball by Sammi M.
Daryl got her attention. "Why is it that whenever any of you guys mention that, you make it sound like it's all in caps like it's something really important?"
"Probably because for us, it is. The Ceremony is an activity that's uniquely our own and we're very proud of what it's become. It started as a means to help some of the kids want to survive no matter what they had to face. Somehow, it caught on and has grown to the point that we now have adults participating.
"The title 'Ceremony' is actually misleading. It's an umbrella term for two rituals that generally happen anywhere from ten to fifteen years apart."
"Why such a large amount of time between them? Doesn't that make things more difficult and harder to complete?"
"In everyday life maybe, but, in these situations, the more time that passes, the better the prognosis. It's a common belief that after five years in remission, the cancer is gone. The longer a patient goes without a relapse, the better the doctors usually feel."
"Though we normally don't have to wait for the twenty-year mark with most of our people," Robyn piped in.
Blair glared at the other woman as she winked at him. "I already said I was sorry. It just sorta slipped my mind. Can we give it a rest now?"
"We'll think about it," Becky added. "Anyway, the first part of the ritual solely involves the patient with a little help from his/her counsellor. Using Blair as an example, Robyn and the rest of her team tapped him as a participant and added him to the list for it."
Megan leaned forward at this. "So, not everyone gets to participate? Then how do the doctors 'tap' the ones who do?"
Sad smiles crossed both women's faces, but it was Blair who answered. "It's a slim-to-none list."
"A what? I don't understand."
"It's a list that kids with a slim-to-none chance of surviving their cancers were put on or, at least that's what those of us who were put on it called it. Of course, the Docs and counsellors didn't appreciate the name, but we didn't care; it fit." Catching some of the looks around him. "About midway into your treatment regimen here, if you weren't responding like they hoped both mentally and physically, your doctors would evaluate you. They would either adjust your treatments to include BMT bone-marrow transplantation or stay on the course already set. If BMT wasn't an option and the prognosis wasn't promising, you made the list."
The older woman picked up where Blair left off. "The kids picked would go through special sessions explaining the Ceremony and everything it would entail and then those determined to be at a more critical stage went first."
Simon frowned in confusion, "Why the need for special sessions?"
"Quite simply because it was such an out there concept, they had to prepare us for the whole thing," Blair explained. "I still remember thinking Becky was either nuts or playing a joke when she first started telling me all about it."
"Don't listen to him; he's making their part sound worse than it is."
"And what exactly is their part?"
"They create something similar to a time capsule."
"Excuse me?" Jim asked as he moved forward in his seat. "Are you trying to tell me all of this is for some type of fad?" Shaking his head. "And here I was thinking this was something serious."
A transformation seemed to overtake the woman at his words. Gone was their friend Becky and in her place sat the Director of TORC, Dr. Rebecca Chandler, who's glare seemed to let the man know he might have made a bad call. "I can assure you Detective Ellison that our Ceremony is very serious. Unlike others that you might be aware of, ours is used solely to benefit our patients not for future generations." Standing and walking around the group to make her point. "We encourage the participants to put the things that have the most meaning to them inside those boxes so that when they reopen them years later, they can look back and know what they've accomplished by surviving.
"No one else has to understand what they included and they don't have to offer explanations for their choices. It's all about them and what they need to say.
"Our roles are to provide them with the materials to do what they want and to encourage them to also lock every one of their fears, worries and doubts inside that box so they only have to focus on fighting the cancer and winning. They're reminded that overcoming their particular demon is just as much a fight of the spirit as it is of the body and that both have to work together to make it. By freeing up the one to concentrate on healing the other, they have a better chance."
She turned to face the detractor. "I can't tell you it's always worked - it hasn't, but, in the time I've been here, I've seen more successes than failures and no 'fad' can lay claim to that."
Blair noticed the battle stance of the older woman and decided it was his turn to step into the role of protector and divert everyone's attention. "As rituals go, it was one of the best and, speaking as one who experienced it, I can tell you it was pretty empowering. For a while there, I felt like I could take on anything and after so long of feeling nothing more than pain, it was wonderful."
"So, you're saying it really helped you, Chief?"
"Not in any tangible way, Jim, but it did give me something to work for. I wanted to make it so I could open my coffin and know that I'd won that I had cheated death."
Simon hoped he hadn't heard what he thought he had. "Coffin?"
"Yeah, Simon, a coffin. That was our 'capsule' a box fixed up to look like how we wanted our coffins." He caught the looks flowing from the officers and rushed to explain. "I know it sounds morbid or irreverent, but to us, it wasn't. We saw it as a way of thumbing our noses at death and what represented it more than a coffin?" He smiled as he remembered. "My friends and I would dream about coming back here after years of just living and opening those boxes as the ultimate revenge on what our diseases tried to do to us, and, for a while after, the treatments weren't so bad and the reactions weren't so draining and the hope was there.
"Look, I know this all sounds like some alternative thinking hooey, but, to us, it meant a second wind a second chance. We didn't care how it sounded or what the odds against us were or whether or not our parents had been told to use our college savings for a nice burial. For however long after we buried our coffins, we felt good and the future wasn't just a pipe dream." Glancing at each of his friends and family. "That's why I wanted you with me when I did this. Not so much for you to see what my life was like here, but for you to see what it took for me to make it.
"All I'm asking is that you not close the door on this just yet that you give it a chance. No matter how weird things seem tomorrow."
Jim placed his hand on his friend's and, when the younger man raised his eyes, a look of understanding and acceptance passed between them. If nothing else, Blair knew his Sentinel would be there.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@Becky released a tired breath as she sat at her desk thankful that Robyn had volunteered to take the group to the next part of the briefing. Though she really liked them, this trip down memory lane had been a lot more draining than any of her others and she was looking forward to the next week so that she could take a couple of days off.
As thoughts of hiking up to her hideaway slowly relaxed her, she couldn't shake the feeling of being watched. Frowning, she opened her eyes to find the least expected person leaning in her doorway. "I'm sorry; I didn't know you were there. Did you lose your way?"
"No, I'm exactly where I wanted to be. May I come in?"
The older woman sighed and gestured for her to enter. "You know, you really should be in the briefing so that you can know what to expect tomorrow."
Schuyler smiled. "I already know. Remember, I've been through this before. Cookie Miles invited me to her cousin's."
"Oh, that's right. You and Cookie were almost inseparable during the time she was here and you two almost got into as much stuff as Blair and his cronies." She chuckled at the memory. "You guys really acted up during Jason's Ceremony."
"Well, he was mean to us. He kept threatening to muzzle us and then he wouldn't let us watch cartoons in her brother Patrick's room before the dratted thing. He said we'd make him late." An innocent look. "If he'd just left us alone for thirty minutes, we would have been perfect angels."
"Going against type?"
Laughing, "Definitely, but we would have behaved."
Becky sobered, "Did you here what happened to him?"
Schuy nodded. "Yeah. I couldn't believe he made it through cancer only for some stupid drunk driver to take out him and his wife and kids. Life can really suck sometimes."
"It seemed like the Miles family was cursed with tragedy. First with Jason getting sick, then the Miles grandparents dying, then Helen Miles being hurt at her job and Josey and Patrick being diagnosed with the same cancer as Jason, we were afraid their whole family was going to be wiped out in the space of ten years." The older woman tucked her hair behind her ear. "None of them ever contacted us after Jason was killed."
"Well, I can't say anything for the rest of them, but Patrick is doing fine and married to one of my friends from college. He's a minister and has this huge church in Baltimore."
"Patrick Miles is a minister? Is it that as totally unbelievable for me as it is for you?"
"Completely. Cookie and I almost died when he told his family he was going into seminary, but after seeing how much his life changed for the better, we had to admit he made the right decision."
"So, you two stayed in touch."
"She works fo with me and I'm the proud godmother of her little girl, Amethyst - affectionately called Arsenic since she's poison to nannies and babysitters."
"Like mothers, like daughter." Becky took a deep breath and sobered. "Though I'm glad to hear they're doing well, something tells me that isn't why you stopped by my office."
Grey eyes locked with hazel ones. "It's not." Sighing. "I thought now would be as good a time as any to talk."
"I was wondering when you would get around to chewing me out."
"Chewing you out?"
"Or whatever you call it." She stood and walked around to the front of her desk and leaned on it. "Before I give you the floor, there's something I've needed to say from the beginning." She paused. "Schuyler, I'm sorry. All I can say is I goofed. I honestly thought I was doing what was best for the both of you without taking into account everything."
"But, .."
"I know," the older woman interrupted. "I completely ignored what Tolliver was about and that almost caused more harm than good. If I had it to do all over again, I would definitely change things and "
"Becky. Becky, stop! You don't owe me anything."
"I know this is a long time in coming, but I honestly hoped you wouldn't remember a lot from then. Not because I didn't want to apologise, but because I didn't want that to stay in your mind."
"Unfortunately, I was blessed with a very thorough memory - great for my line of work, but a real pain to the personal stuff." Seeing that she now had the woman's attention. "What I meant when I said you didn't owe me anything was I'm the one who owes you an apology."
"Wait a minute. Did I miss something? You were just a little kid then. You can't be held responsible for what you might have said or did."
"Doesn't excuse me now."
"I don't understand."
"If it's any consolation, I've been kind of clueless since we got here too. I wasn't looking forward to this trip and I tried to warn Blair, but he wanted all of us with him. And I can't deny him anything any more than he can me.
"As soon as I entered the doors, all of the memories rushed to the forefront of my mind and I suddenly found myself three and four years old scared my big brother was going to die. That fear, more than anything, caused my reactions to you." Shaking her head. "I don't hate you; I never did. Deep down, I knew you were just doing what you thought was right and that you were trying to take care of us. I never blamed you for locking me in the nursery because it was what you had to do to keep me safe - the car incident kinda proved that."
She walked to the window not really seeing anything. "If I'd thought you were keeping us apart because of spite, then maybe my ambivalence towards you would have been justified, but I know there wasn't a spiteful bone in your body. I can see that you genuinely cared about us and those last few weeks were tearing you apart as much as it was my family. Maybe more so for you because you felt guilty for something you shouldn't have. And, I was a big cause of that guilt."
"Schuy, you don't "
"Yeah, I do." Smiling. "When we were here before, you got caught up in something that you couldn't understand heck, I don't understand it *now* and I'm a participant. There was no way you could have known what was going on with us and you had to make a judgement call based on what you knew. If anything, you should have been admired because you went against all of that and let me into that room in the end." She sighed. "But, I didn't see it that way. Like a typical kid, I couldn't fight and rail against what I couldn't see, so I went after what who- I could. You suddenly became target number 1 and I played it for all it was worth.
"But that's just something kids do. It's not rational, but it works for them. My crime is that I didn't try to move away from that as an adult. It was just easier to fall back on the bad thoughts and you as the villain rather than to try and work through everything."
"So, what changed things?"
"Would you believe some nasty daydreams/flashbacks that were only similar in that I felt out of control in the situations that caused them?" Schuy returned to her thoughts. "I'll spare you the gory details, but I suddenly realised when Jim awakened me that things were pretty jumbled in my head and I needed to re-evaluate the way I was looking at stuff." She walked back to the other woman and carefully took her hands. "I know it's probably not going to mean much, but I am sorry for everything, then and now."
For a moment, neither woman moved, then Becky slowly took the younger woman in her arms and just enjoyed the good feelings for a change.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@Robyn had completed the briefing for the next day right on schedule and most of the group waited patiently in comfort in the RV for the last of the stragglers to return. Not a negative word was uttered about the lateness since the last to arrive were the Sandburgs and everybody figured they just needed a little more time.
Besides, with them elsewhere, discussions of the events of the day could run rampant without worry. And boy, were they running.
Finally, the elder Sandburgs could be seen waving to the doctor as they exited the centre. Judging by their expressions, they seemed to be joking with each other and enjoying their time together. They stopped just short of entering the vehicle when Jim poked his head out and asked, "Did you guys see Schuy?"
"She's not onboard yet?"
"No and no one's seen her since before the briefing."
The grad student lost the joking air he'd had with his mother and rolled his eyes. "Great, leave it to her to go missing after her histrionics from earlier. This is probably just another part of the act. She always did have a flair for melodrama."
Shocked glances flowed between the older two individuals but any comments were contained when the detective saw the girl saying her goodbyes. "There she is."
Naomi followed his gaze and watched her youngest child leave the building with a stunned Becky waving her off from the doorway. She turned to her son and noticed he was watching as well. "I wonder what that's all about? Any ideas?"
"Not a one, but I plan on finding out."
Before she could stop him, Blair marched towards his sister without a backward glance. The older woman turned to her son's friend. "Jim, do you know what's gotten in to Blair? That comment wasn't like him, especially not where Schuyler's concerned."
He shrugged, "I haven't a clue, but I've been a bit curious myself at some of the things I've been picking up from him."
"Well, I guess it's something they'll have to work out between them. I just hope it's not something too serious."
"I'm sure it's not. You have nothing to worry about where they're concerned. Short of a force of nature, I doubt if there's anything that could come between them." Heading back inside. "Sandburg's probably just got a lot on his mind with the Ceremony and everything tomorrow."
Naomi followed him after one last look before the doors closed. "I hope so. I really and truly hope that's all it is."
About midway between the building and the RV, Blair reached Schuy and fell into step with her. "Where have you been?"
"Sorry I took so long; time sort of flew before I knew it."
"Do you realise how long the rest of them have been waiting? You held everybody up."
Puzzled grey eyes locked with stormy blue ones. "I said I was sorry. What's the big deal? I'm here now and we can go."
They reached the side of their transportation and as Schuy prepared to signal the driver to open the doors, her brother held her back. "Would you listen to yourself?" Mimicking her. "'Now that *I'm* here, we can go.' That is so typical of how you see things."
"What is with you? So I'm a few minutes late; it's not like it's the end of the world."
"No, but it is the final straw in a long list of things that you've been doing that's been bothering me."
"That I've been do ! Would you care to enlighten me cause I don't have a clue?"
"You sure called that one." He started pacing. "I've been trying to figure out when you decided to turn this whole trip into a 'Schuyler Party.'"
"A what?"
"A Schuyler Party. You know, those situations where everything's about you or at least that's how you act."
Shaking her head. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Don't you? What about that little scene upstairs with Becky and Jim? You acted like she had the plague or something and you clung to him like he was the only thing keeping you afloat. Or how about when you rather dramatically ran off at the Nursery and poor Jim just *had* to come after you? Or your little temper tantrum during the poker game that resulted in Simon having to divide his attentions between you and his son. Are we picking up a pattern here?"
Quietly, "One of us is at least."
"Well, of course you wouldn't see it because that wouldn't go with the act, but it's obvious to me." Stopping in front of her. "Schuy, this trip wasn't so that you could re-hash all of your old feelings from before. We came here so I could close a chapter on what amounts to the scariest time in my life. I wanted my friends and family beside me for support so I wouldn't have to face all of this again alone."
"You weren't alone before! Mom was there. And I was there with you, too."
"Yeah, but you had no idea what it was like how scared I really was. I couldn't show you that because even in the middle of dying, I had to watch out for you! I had to be 'Big Brother' even when it felt like my insides were being ripped out because *you* couldn't handle the possibility of losing me. I couldn't scream when it got so bad because it would have upset you "
"I still knew, though. You never Why are you telling me this now?"
"Because for just the time we were here, I wanted to be able to lean on somebody rather than be leaned on. I needed for them to be there for me."
"And you think I deliberately took that away from you?"
"I can't say it was deliberate or not, but it did happen. This stopped being about what I went through and became your drama."
Schuyler looked at him sadly. "I'm sorry; I never meant to steal your spotlight. I never asked for Jim's or the others' help; it was just there when I needed it.
"I just honestly couldn't handle being back here back where I almost lost you. I tried to tell you that when these feelings started surfacing, but you seemed to want me here. So, I came against everything within me.
"As soon as we stepped through those doors, everything was like before. I suddenly wasn't seeing you as the man you are now, but as the little kid who had to be wheeled everywhere because he couldn't find the strength to use his legs. I kept seeing your body wasting away and your eyes losing their sparkle. And the old fear came back. It felt like I was going to lose you all over again and I couldn't handle that." Her voice cracked. "It was like being a little kid again with the world spinning out of control."
"Well, congratulations. You now know what it felt like to live with cancer. You wanna compare notes on needs?"
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