Sorry this took so long, but it's been interesting times in my neck of the woods. I hope this more than makes up for the delay.
This is the final story in the Of series. If you haven't read the other two, you might be a tad confused. If you want to find them, they are located at http://majorcrimes.freeservers.com/indexvoyager.html
FEEDBACK would be most appreciated. Any type: complaints, criticism, praise, plot problems, anything. Of course, flames will be saved and used for my Fourth of July barbecue.
PLEASE NOTE: The stardates are not accurate!
Of Spirits by Sammi M.First Officer's Personal Log, Stardate: 47748.1
It seems like a lifetime ago since I made one of these. I suppose it has been a lifetime. Four years of lifetimes that I have no idea about. I've reviewed all of my logs- both personal and official - and, for all intents and purposes, I see them as someone elses. Though I'm happy of the strides we've made in forming a cohesive and strong crew, I can't help but feel they are the work of another Chakotay - one who is truly comfortable here with all of the changes because he was a part of them. One who loves his ...The door announcer signals a guest and I delete what I've written - not because I'm ashamed of what I wrote, but because it's something I used to do when I was Maquis. It's familiar in a world that is suddenly so unfamiliar.
The announcer sounds again and I break from my reverie. "Enter." Even before the door opens I know who it will be; I know it's her. I've been waiting for her arrival as I have every night since the Doc released me to my quarters after the second incident. "Hello, Captain."
She holds up her hand and gives me one of her saucy grins. "What have I told you about after hours, Chakotay?"
"To call you ... Kathryn." I'm still not comfortable with this. I don't know if I ever will be.
She chooses to ignore my hesitation, but I still see how it weighs on her. I hate that I add to her burden, but there is so much that still doesn't feel right to me. "Good. Try to remember next time." She crosses to me. "Are you ready for a little adventure?"
For the last few weeks, she's spent every evening with me. We've played ancient Terran card games, Vulcan chess, Bumbaya and any host of games here in my quarters. Though, at first, I shied away from the contact, I can now feel myself anticipating it - almost craving it. I smile at her. "Depends on the game."
"I wasn't talking about a game this time. I was in more of a mood to get out and away. Go somewhere peaceful on the holodeck and just relax."
"Sounds good. What exactly do you have in mind?"
She is startled that I agree rather quickly and I am amazed as well. I really had no intentions of leaving my quarters, but something about her eyes... I feel compelled. Her smile grows even bigger, as if that were possible, and she outlines her plans. "Well, I was thinking we could have a late dinner at ..."
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%I never knew how tranquil and beautiful Lake George is at night. As I look out at the moon casting its glow on the sheet of blue in front us, I can't help but wonder what she's thinking. My eyes alight on the leftovers of our meal before they casually skim the relaxed body beside me.
In the last few weeks, I've often marveled on how much energy that small body holds. Most of the crew thinks B'Elanna is the whirlwind of the senior staff, but they're wrong. I've seen Kathryn Janeway hard at work facing one dilemma or another and I see her now sitting quietly enjoying nature and, no matter which situation, *I* can see the power of raw energy working it's magic - not resting until all of the solutions are found. It's a wondrous sight. One that, even in this state, I can still admire. I sigh as I lie back.
"Penny for your thoughts." I turn questioning eyes toward her and she giggles. That startles me. I don't think I've ever seen our strong, nearly invincible Captain ... giggle. But, that's the only way to describe it. It's a sound so carefree and beautiful and innocent that it almost brings to mind another time and place filled with monkeys and gardens and boats ... and bathtubs. Almost. "Chakotay, are you okay?"
She had been talking to me and I missed it. My eyes re-focus on her and I see the worry and the fear she can't hide. It's almost as if I can read her mind and I know she's wondering if I'm experiencing one of the seizures the Doc warned her might happen. I smile and slightly shake my head. Her relief is almost tangible. Amazing. What were we to each other that my well-being matters so much to her? My mind pulls away from that answer. "I guess I was letting all of this goodness take me away."
"Goodness? I don't understand."
"You know, good food, good setting, good mood and good com... company."
Without volition, our eyes meet and lock. I suddenly find myself pulled in her direction and she to mine. Before I can prepare myself, our lips meet and for a brief moment ... our spirits touch. It's too much and I jerk away moving to put distance between us.
My heart aches as I see her struggle to contain her tears. I don't mean to hurt her, but all of this is still too new. A part of me wants to remember how things were, but another part of me struggles and rails against giving up the ultimate power to someone it still considers ... my captor - my enemy. "I'm sorry, Captain. I don't... I wish ..."
She holds up her hand and her grace shines through again, "It's all right. I knew it was too soon, but ... I hoped..." She takes a long deep breath and tries to move closer to me. I step back. "I'm not going to try anything, Chakotay. You don't have to run. I just need to feel you close by - in body, if not spirit."
The fragility of that statement destroys my desperate need to get away. Before I realize what I'm doing, I gather her in my arms and just hold her. "I'm here, Kathryn. Maybe not in the way you'd like, but I'm here. Always."
"Then that'll have to do." Even though she doesn't say it, I can hear the "for now" drifting on the wind.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%I've been restless lately. I could place the blame on the system we find ourselves traversing, but that wouldn't be truthful.
It's because of Kathryn. Her nightly visits have slowly dwindled down to nothing. She hasn't come in three days and ... I miss her. A part of me enjoys this time alone - a chance to get my bearings - but, another part of me aches to hear that giggle again and know it's because she's with me.
Why does this have to be so hard? Why can't I reconcile my mind with my heart?
My eyes fall on my medicine bundle and I feel myself moving towards it. Maybe. Maybe, this time it'll work. Please ... let it work.
I sit on my floor and place the items around me and my hand touches the akoonah. "A-koo-chee-moya. I am far from the sacred places of my grandfathers. I am far from the bones of my people. But perhaps, there is one powerful being who will embrace me and give me the answers I seek."
Silence. Nothing.
Again.
This time, I don't even bother to gather my things and return them to the safety of the bundle. I can't stay here because the air is stifling as if mocking me for wanting something so trifling as answers to my problems. I almost run from the confines of my quarters and I don't care where I'm headed as long as it's away. Far away.
I ignore the smiling faces I pass in my quest and I refuse to think about what's racing through their minds as I race through the corridors. I don't care where my legs are taking me, even though I know that my heart is leading me there.
I stop at the doors and simply stare - taking in everything about them. Carefully, almost reverently, I reach toward the console and ... find my selection already in progress.
Yes! Maybe this is the answer I seek - the one I need. As I enter, I frantically look for any sign of her and I pray she will be willing to help me keep my sanity - my soul. I hear the soft rustle of leaves and grass and I turn.
Tom Paris stands watching me.
"What the hell are you doing in my program, Paris?"
He doesn't even try to act ashamed. Yeah, like I expected anything less. "So, this is it. This is the place where you two found yourselves."
Confusion causes my brow to furrow more. Does he mean found ourselves in terms of place or where we "found" ourselves as if we had been seeking each other. "This is the program for New Earth."
"It's beautiful, but then again, I expected nothing less." He knows I avoided answering his unspoken question as easily as he avoided my spoken one. "You were both ... very ... lucky to have this."
"I know." But, do I? I ignore the questions tumbling through my head and latch on a safe topic. "I'm sorry I haven't made it around to thanking you for allowing me to read your logs. Yours, and surprisingly Tuvok's, helped me reconcile my then with this now." I refuse to falter on this. "You don't know how much I appreciate it. I guess I owe you for something else."
He flings his hand like he didn't do anything special. "You don't owe me for anything." He shows me a brief glimpse of the true man inside. "It's nothing more than what I would do for my friend." He looks around as if fearful he's let too much out. "I wish you could tell me about this. I wish you could share how it felt."
I give him a wan smile as he turns back to me. "I wish I could too." We walk. "I can't explain why I feel so drawn to this place - why something that should add to the burden of my lost memories, instead brings me more peace than I thought possible." We stop in front of the lake. "What is it about this New Earth that soothes me, Tom?"
A knowledgeable look. "I don't think it's so much the place as it is the feelings your body refuses to give up. Even though your mind can't re-capture what it's lost, the rest of you can't forget how good this was." Tom reaches out his hand and places it on my shoulder. I recognize it as the touch of a friend, rather than an enemy. I'm glad of that. "Go with those feelings; they won't steer you wrong. In fact, they'll probably lead you home."
"But, I don't know where ... home is any more. I feel so lost."
The hand tightens. "Stop looking to the past for home, that'll only bring more confusion and heartache. Look to the future and what *can* be." He smiles. "And then, you'll know."
So, I did.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%"A-koo-chee-moya. I am far from the sacred places of my grandfathers. I am far from the bones of my people. But perhaps, there is one powerful being who will embrace me and give me the answers I seek." I had found myself back in my quarters in the same spot I'd left so hastily before. I had to try - not for answers, but for peace with my decision. The sounds are the first things I notice. Then the smells take over. Finally, my eyes open to the smiling face of my ancestor - my father - and he simply says, "Welcome back."
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%She enters the holodeck with such grace and poise and I'm overwhelmed. I watch from my hiding place as she takes in the beauty of the scene before her. I'm happy at her joy in my choice. I've loved Hokhabah Valley since I was a boy and it's only fitting that I should share this with her.
She stops in front of the table that I set out and, almost mischieviously, her finger dips into the whipped Minesian cream. Before I can stop myself, I chuckle at the blissful look that crosses her face. She startles. "Chakotay?"
Carefully, so as not to scare her more, I step away from my spot and walk to her. "Hello, Kathryn. Welcome to one of my favourite places on any world."
"I can see why. It's beautiful."
"Not half as beautiful as you, but it'll do."
I can't tell you how much my heart soars at the joy my simple words bring to her. I can see the tears are back, but this time, they're tears of happiness. I hold out my hands in invitation. "Would you do me the honour of a dance?"
She smiles. "But, there's not any music."
"Are you sure? I've been listening to something wonderful ever since you came through that door." I show her everything that's in my heart through my eyes. "Dance with me, Kathryn."
As if a tremendous weight has been lifted, she flows into my arms and holds me as tight as she can. We slowly sway to a sound only our hearts can hear and I almost miss her softly whispered, "You remember?"
I close my eyes and smile into the skin at her temple. "No, unfortunately, those memories are gone forever, but I realize I'm now ready to make some new ones."
As we continue our private dance, I feel my heart, mind, body and soul converge into one being and join with hers and then ... our spirits move forward.
THE END!